I don't know if we're allowed to post short stories, but since I have no new poems that I like, here is an excerpt from one of my short stories. And maybe I'll post more later?
For the Boy in the Photograph
In Dalat, the only people still roaming the streets at one in the morning aren’t prostitutes waiting for potential clients or junkies looking for a fix.
No, in Dalat, one of the two people still awake at one in the morning is a tiny woman preparing for business on a curbed, uneven sidewalk on the corner of Duy Tân and Minh Mạng. Despite her dark, woolen coat and her lumpy, gray scarf, she shivers as a sly sliver of brutally cold wind slips through her armor of clothing. Under the towering streetlamps, partially dimmed by the drifting fog, she crouches to straighten three plastic tables the color of over-chewed bubblegum. She lines matching colored chairs along the edges of the row, four chairs to each table. All her plastic furniture neat and orderly, the woman sits by a large tin pot atop a small clay stove and begins to stir the brew with a ladle. The pot is filled to the brim with steaming soymilk, perfect for warming the stomach on this toe-freezing night. Apparently satisfied that everything is ready, she leans back in her uncomfortable chair and waits patiently for her first customer.
The other person still awake at this hour is me, the awaited customer.
The woman smiles at me, her crooked front teeth illuminating her weary face. I stroll towards her and pull out a chair, careful not to knock anything out of place.
“One glass, please.”
She nods. Lifting a tall glass from her tray of empty glasses, she holds it close to the pot. She tips her ladle over the mouth, creating a waterfall of soymilk. The sound of the warm liquid crashing onto the surface seems loud in the middle of the empty night.
While it is natural for everyone to be asleep at 1 AM in the morning, I can’t sleep. It is 11 AM, yesterday, in California: home.
Good luck on the rest of your finals and have a wonderful break!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Yay finals are done I can read this haha.
I enjoyed the descriptions in this selection, though I have some issues with the following:
"[...]her lumpy, gray scarf, she shivers as a sly sliver of brutally cold wind slips through her armor of clothing."
My tongue and mind stumble over "gray scarf, she shivers as a sly sliver," and I might suggest removing "sly" or placing it somewhere else in the sentence. Perhaps-she shivers as a sliver of sly cold win slips through-I don't know. I don't know if I'm insulting you either haha. But another idea I had was -her lumpy, gray scarf, she shivers as a sliver of sly brutal wind slips through her armor of clothing-.
I think that's what I would do.
I really enjoyed the following lines:
"She tips her ladle over the mouth, creating a waterfall of soymilk. The sound of the warm liquid crashing onto the surface seems loud in the middle of the empty night."
Your "waterfall of soymilk," hyperbolic image tunnels the readers vision on the steaming milk pouring off the ladle and "crashing" into the glass. I truly got a sense of the silence before and after the (possibly imagined) sound of the serving; this silence also focuses the narrators unease with the time change.
So I don't know I hope that helps.
David
Haha, lucky! I still have till tomorrow. I told myself I wouldn't check any online stuff until Wednesday...but you can only (guiltily/sneakily) check Facebook so many times.
Thanks for the suggestions. Why would it be insulting? I always get paranoid when people don't make any suggestions. Like maybe it's so bad, they won't even bother because it's beyond help. haha.
I think I kinda liked the alliteration in "sly sliver...slips" But the "sliver" and "slips" is probably enough, "sliver" might be overkill. :)
Great story!
I agree with David about that sentence.
I also agree about the descriptions. They are wonderful. I was totally there with you.
For revision, I'd focus on syntax. Lines like:
Apparently satisfied that everything is ready, she leans back in her uncomfortable chair and waits patiently for her first customer.
Could look more like this:
Satisfied with her work, she leans back in her uncomfortable chair and waits patiently for her first customer.
Little this that pull "that" out of stories really helps. For some reason, the word drives me bonkers and makes me want to edit, edit, edit. I see it being circled and underlined a lot by my writing profs, too, so I know I'm not crazy.
Finally:
While it is natural for everyone to be asleep at 1 AM in the morning, I can’t sleep.
1 AM in the morning is redundant. It should either be 1AM or one in the morning. If you don't use the AM, make sure to write out 'one'. In writing, any number under 100 should be written out. In journalism, it's any twelve or under. I just write out all my numbers because it makes me feel awesome :p
I look forward to reading more!
Alliteration is wonderful but when it seems forced to me it loses it's steam.
Now stop reading this go study.
Psh I'm done. Give it up for online tests and final projects.
Post a Comment